Author Archives: deanwebb

Arkady Nikolaevich Changes His Career

Boris Ivanovich couldn’t believe his ears. “What do you mean, you can’t write any more propaganda?”

Arkady Nikolaevich shrugged his shoulders. “It’s all derivative. I just keep on, over and over, praising the nation. I mean, I love the nation, and I especially love our dear leader, but I feel like I’m in a rut.”

Boris nodded. “Maybe you want to switch divisions? There might be an opening in the film department.”

Arkady shook his head. “No, it’s just the same thing, but as dialogues. I want to be able to explore my talents more. There’s only so much I can do with exhortations to increase steel production 12.5%.”

Boris went to his computer. “Let’s see what else is on the job board. I don’t want to see a good guy like you burn out. Let’s take a look, here…” The search query ran and a screen full of results popped up. “Here you go, there’s an opening as a patriotic novel writer. If that doesn’t give you permission to explore, I don’t know what will.”

“What’s the pay like?” Continue reading

The Himynamistan Menace

“Thank you for calling the Homeland Security Hotline. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed. To continue in English, please press 1. Para continuar in Es-”

1

“To report suspicious behavior, press 1. To claim responsibility for a past terrorist attack, press 2. To claim responsibility for a future terrorist attack, press 3. For directions to the near-”

3

“If this attack will take place in the USA in the contiguous 48 states, press 1. If this attack will take place in Alas-”

1

“If this attack has ecological motives, press 1. If this attack is for you or your organization’s struggle against the Great Satan, press 2. If this attack is in regards to Puer-”

2

“Please hold while we connect you to a live operator.”

Saifal Ohrmazd exhaled with relief. As he waited on hold, he thought of possibly attacking automated answering switchboards as his next target. That would certainly galvanize the downtrodden masses behind his movement.

The hold music was Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American.” Saifal Ohrmazd chuckled. “Well played, DHS. Well played.” Continue reading

Dr. Negron-Omikon’s CRAP

The television reporter asked a series of boring and obvious questions to Dr. H.P. Negron-Omikon. Yes, the good doctor was happy that he received the Teller Prize for inventing the Spirit Disengagement Field. Of course, he was thrilled that he was no longer a wanted man in the USA. It’s true that he and the current president are on the best of terms. And, yes, yes, the President himself will be in attendance at tonight’s public demonstration of the Commodity Reclamation and Augmentation Processor (CRAP), Dr. Negron-Omikon’s latest masterwork.

Using the latest in zeptotechnology, Dr. Negron-Omikon had managed to create quite the device. Continue reading

Dr. Negron-Omikon’s SCUM

No less a personage than the President himself attended the unveiling of the Spirit Communication Utilization Matrix, or SCUM. The President sat on the front row, along with several of his top cabinet advisors, bodyguards, mistresses, and so forth. The top bankers, media celebrities, and captains of industry filled the rest of the seats of the vast hall in lovely downtown San Diego.

The head of the SCUM project, Dr. H.P. Negron-Omikon, stepped up to the podium amidst wild applause. Today would be the grand day he would unveil his system, which would allow for humans to communicate with the spirits of the dead. No Ouija board or seance session, this! No, the science behind it was good and hard and the spirit in question would actually manifest itself in a visible, albeit ghostly form. Continue reading

Will the Senate Bite the Hand that Feeds?

Probably not. Even with direct campaign donation limits, the guys with the money can sit down in front of their friends whenever a Senate committee decides it’s time to have a hearing.

From ZeroHedge:

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Here’s an idea for parents about to drop a packet of cash on a child’s college education: There’s an election this year. Make that money a campaign donation, instead, and your pride and joy will get the best job out of high school that money can buy. Given that George Bush gave the plan to evacuate New Orleans from Katrina to a person with zero experience, but maxed out in donations, your recent senior can count on a $500,000 contract with no experience and a $2500 donation. If you can give more, you can get more. This is the lesson Jamie Dimon teaches us: with enough money, anything is possible. Even if you have no experience or are about to bring the world financial system to its knees, the US Congress and Presidency will ride to your rescue if you’re a big donor.

The Bill of Rights and Civil War Amendments, 2012 Version

Preface: Although written otherwise, the de facto language of these amendments has changed significantly through acts of Congress, interpretation of the Executive, and rulings of the Supreme Court. Citizens of the United States may appeal to the original language of the amendments, but the government of the United States may violate those amendments at will, placing the burden of both the breach and the proving of it thereof squarely on the shoulders of those oppressed by the actions of the government. Challenging the government over breaches of the amendments will likely meet in failure, for while it delights in clothing itself in the cloth of freedom and republican democracy, it is only to disguise an increasingly authoritarian power. Continue reading

On the Unanticipated Consequences of My Friendship with Nate

Nate handed me a pistol. “Shoot anyone that walks through that door. Even if it’s a guy that looks just like me, because it won’t be me. Got that? Anyone!”

I nodded. I didn’t want anyone to walk through that door, but things were very, very real right now, and I didn’t want to argue. Nate left the room by a side door, shotgun in hand.

I heard the intruders approaching. I heard them fumble with the lock on the door. I kept the pistol pointed at the doorknob. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t shoot guns. But these guys were going to force me to change my habit if they succeeded in opening the door.

The lock clicked. These guys were coming in. I took a deep breath and held it.

The door opened, and I saw a man step into the room. Continue reading

The Bohemian Won’t Get a Three

With excessive apologies to Queen and, especially, Freddie Mercury…

The Bohemian Won’t Get a Three

Is this the real test, is this just fantasy
Caught by a proctor, no escape from reality
Open my test, when guessing, just go with C
I’m just a poor boy, don’t got no study guide
Because I’m easy come, easy go, get a five, get a fo’
Anyway the test goes, hope I can score at least… a three…

Mama, just took the test, put a pencil on my sheet
Bubbled “C” in nice and neat, mama
Thought this would be fun, but now I think I should have gone with “A!”
Mama, ooo, didn’t mean to make you cry
I think I’ll study for my test tomorrow
Study on, study on, or else it will not matter

Too late, the break is done
Time to start the FRQ, o whatever shall I do?
Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go
And I don’t think I can do that question 2
Mama ooo (anyway the test goes) I just want a five
I wish I’d read that textbook after all

I drew a little silhouetto of a man
That is cool, that is cool now I write, “THIS IS SPARTA!”
Thunderbolt and lightning decorating section B
I do not know, I do not know, I do not know, I do not know,
I do not know how this goes! I do not know!

But I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
(He’s just a poor boy with poor study habits)
(Can’t do the work, so he dazzles with his wits)
Even though I don’t know, how ’bout just a 4?
(Bismillah no we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Bismillah, we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Bismillah, we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Will not give you fo’!) Just a 4? (never)
(Never give you fo’!) Just a 4, never get that fo’ ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia try a 3
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me – No THREE! – NO THREE!!!

So you think ’cause I got no clue you can’t give me a five?
‘Cause I’m lazy, never cracked a book I get no five?
Oh grader, can’t do this to me grader,
I’d love to get out, but I still got 20 minutes stuck in here…

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, Guess I should have studied, I won’t get that 3…
I guess I should have studied, guess I should have studied… for AP…
Anyway the test goes…

The Cult of Personality in History

I am watching the film, The Fall of Berlin, a 1948 Mosfilm production, and it is an amazing historigraphical experience. First off, the actors are not listed in order of appearance, but hierarchically. The man playing Stalin is given top billing, followed by actors portraying high political and military officials, on down to the actual lead Russian peasant roles, finished off by the actors playing the Germans (boo, hiss!). The credits are proper Soviet yellow-on-red, and just in case one was wondering what was most important in life, the main character – who was born on the day of the October Revolution – is awestruck by the presence of Stalin.

When told that he will visit Stalin in honor of his attaining a world record of steel production, our hero is gobsmacked. “What will I say to Stalin?” he asks in his panic. His boss reassures him. One does not speak to Stalin! One listens to Stalin! But of course.

While everyone else has doubts or failings, Comrade Stalin – played by one of his real-life body doubles – remains cool as a cucumber through the whole picture. Soviet generals demand 150 tanks and 3000 anti-tank rifles: Stalin tells them 15 tanks and 200 rifles will do the job, if used carefully and wisely. Hitler rants and raves about attaining his goals: Stalin comprehends all and is sure of his eventual victory. Goering plots secretly with Allied industrialists to sneak raw materials into Germany: Stalin deals with them plainly and foursquare in the open. Hitler runs his nation into the ground: Stalin saves his and delivers it from evil.

The extremity of Stalin’s Christ-like portrayal is fascinating to study. While terribly ugly in its implications, it is nevertheless a lesson worth enduring. As a film, The Fall of Berlin has some cool action sequences you won’t see in the CGI spectaculars of today: Comrade Stalin ordered several divisions of the Red Army to participate in the battle scenes. While the dogfight scene over Moscow was shot with scale models that are obviously so, the symbolism of the scene is not lost on the astute viewer who knows that the poor production values of that part of the film symbolize the poor production values of Nazi Germany. Maybe. If I was living in the USSR in 1948, that would be my defense if I was stupid enough to criticize the film.

One colonel that did criticize the film wound up in the Gulag for eight years. Better to praise the film, yes?

Watching it made me reflect on the cults of personality developing in America and how they warp our views of history. We have legends, true. Washington and Lincoln both never told lies, from what we can gather from legendary and apocryphal sources. Those are ancient myths, though, and only serve to buoy up modern cults.

The first real cult of personality in US History is that of FDR. He worked the media hard so that many people in America loved him. Regardless of his actual legacy, he got the message out that he was one of the best presidents the nation ever had, and a lot of people believed him. That legacy remains with us today in his depiction on our coins and our popular mentality. His bespectacled grin decorated with homburg hat and cigarette holder has a certain friendly ubiquity in our national conscience.

The next cult is the one that casts a shadow over our day: Reagan. His visage is used again and again on the Right to impose a symbol of their triumph. Reagan the man does not enter their political calculus: they have room only for Reagan the myth. They recall always “Morning in America” and never Iran-Contra, Ed Meese, or US support of heroin rings in Pakistan (IE, the Pakistani Army and the ISI). Reagan is always The Great Conservative and never a president that raised taxes, ran up the deficit, and quadrupled the national debt in his administration. This sort of whitewashing is as dangerous to us as was Stalin’s whitewashing in Soviet Russia.

It shackles the mind with error and places belief in a man over historical realities. Reagan is not God. He is not Absolute. He is not Messiah. Reagan was a fallible man, who presided over one of the most corrupt administrations in US History. I won’t argue over whether or not the man had great accomplishments: I’ll allow them, for the sake of argument. But none of those accomplishments would justify complete ignorance and setting-aside of his presidential failures. None of them justify the mythology that has grown up around his name and face.

Clinton may well become a myth of the Left one day, as a two-term exponent of their greatest hour (lately). The Left hasn’t been very symbol-oriented of late, outside of Obama’s “Hope” posters of 2008. Perhaps that’s why they won then and are drifting now. In 2012, they lack a symbol and, therefore, they lack a cult.

The Right is ready to supply a cult. Fox News is tailor-made for hagiographic treatments of any True Conservative that steps on their doorstep. They’ve propagandized and exalted some truly terrible choices for president and made them out to be Reagan’s True Successor. Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, and, finally, Rick Santorum all took a turn as the One True Conservative. Every one of them benefited from Fox News’ and other heavy hitters from the mainstream right-wing media praises and near-deification.

Which makes me wonder… is one reason they begrudge Romney due to Romney’s not wanting to have a cult of personality? All the other candidates accepted that sort of fawning adoration, but Romney rejects that. This is bad news for America if Romney loses in 2012. It’ll mean that a GOP candidate MUST have a massive cult behind him to get him close enough for a chance at victory. Bush II had a cult: McCain did not. If a cult-less Romney loses 2012, Fox News and other conservative mouthpieces will savage him and set the stage for a culted candidate in 2016.

I find all this ironic because Mormons are frequently referred to as being in a cult. Yet, here I am saying that Romney was the only GOP candidate this year without a cult-like mentality driving his campaign. In the interests of disclosure, I’m a Mormon, but I’m only going to support Romney if he names me as his vice-presidential candidate. Until then, I’m not backing him. Now, if I were in a cult, wouldn’t my cult leaders be telling me to vote in a fellow cultist to control the USA? Of course they would: that’s what the GOP is telling its membership. No matter how much you dislike Romney, to be a true GOP-er, one must dislike Obama even more.

While that’s not all that hard to do from a political standpoint, it’s even easier to do from a mythological standpoint. There’s some ugly thinking on the Right, and Obama plays as a villain to every racist, misogynistic, fascist, homophobic, plutocratic, and other hate-driven ideology that has attached itself to the GOP. I’ve got many good friends in the Republican Party that deserve not one of those adjectives, but the fact remains that the GOP needs their votes in order to win, so it has to sing songs they want to hear. A cult of personality makes those songs easier to sing.

And that brings me back to Stalin. He solidified his position with a cult. He was able to commit genocide and destroy the rights of his people with a cult. The cult turned off critical thinking, which is vital to confront our earthly leaders with, and enabled Stalin to enact his grand wickedness.

If we have a president elected from either the Left or the Right with a cult-like backing, then that is the seal on the doom of America. For if the GOP loses in 2012, expect their cult to win in 2016. That will force the Democrats to follow suit in 2020, and then neither party will run a campaign after that without a massive propaganda campaign, complete with suppression of dissent.

As a professional dissenter, this worries me greatly. It’s bad enough seeing a 1948 film that glorified Stalin. I saw films from 2007 and 2008 that glorified Putin. I don’t ever want to have that sort of historigraphical experience with an American film, but we’re headed that way.