Living life over again is a recurring fictional theme. It’s a grand daydream, taking another run at life and making some changes. But would we truly make those changes? Or if they did, would they be the right things for us?

In Strange Life of Ivan Osokin, P.D. Ouspensky put forward the idea that if we had the chance to change our life, we’d do the same things over and over again. If we would make changes, then we wouldn’t desire to live our lives over again: we’d accept the mistakes of the past and live the rest of our lives without being trapped in fear. I understood that through my own moral filter: if we repent of our sins, it is as if they are undone and we need not re-live the pains of the past.

But what about decisions that weren’t revolving around our sins? What about correcting simple mistakes that could change everything?

Back in 1995, a member of the Dallas ISD administration committed defamation per se against me and some of my fellow teachers. We sued, but we mistakenly sued the district instead of the person. Had we sued the person, we would have had the potential to have a major settlement. By suing the district, we wound up with nothing. Change that one thing, and I change my entire life…

… but I thought about that, and I asked myself, “Would I have forgiven that man?” I have forgiven that administrator in this life. That burden does not trouble my heart. After the lawsuit fell apart, I started seeing him at my neighborhood grocery store. He was now a neighbor, and if I had really forgiven him, I reasoned, I should be able to smile and wave hello at him when I saw him at the store.

So I did. And I realized I had to force myself at first – the forgiveness wasn’t yet complete. It took about a month before I could honestly offer up that smile and wave without hesitation. More important to my soul was the forgiveness, not the money.

And so, in my brief daydream about changing one term on that lawsuit, I went back in time and changed nothing.

What happened in my past, had to happen. It is not for me to wish for ways to change it, but to instead seek how I may be enlightened by it.

While it would be nice to have a life of material ease, it is more important to have a life of spiritual struggle and growth. This life is a chapter in an ongoing story, the beginning hidden from us as surely as is the end. What we attain to in this life means everything in what is yet to come. Worldly riches are not important for that next phase. Our spirituality, fidelity, and humility are what we take with us to the next experience and those found lacking in those qualities will have their progress hindered.

Yes, we need things of the world to survive in the world, but only just. Should we amass too much of the world for ourselves, we risk denying it to others in need of those resources and then our spirituality is in jeopardy. Should we covet the riches of others, we fall into the same jeopardy. Should we instead strive to gather more spiritual experiences, to be more charitable, to live more with faith guiding our actions, then we take on the challenges of the spirit and enjoy what can unfold to be the most fulfilling moments possible of our lives.

Yes, it is more difficult to live in the middle of a spiritual challenge. It demands of us study, contemplation, meditation, fasting, prayer, and faith. It demands of us that we surrender our priorities and accept that what we ultimately want is not necessarily something we know best at this point in time. It means we await the clarity that comes with divine inspiration and then make the sometimes difficult choice to trust in that revelation with only faith to go on – not a shred of proof will shine a light on our path.

So be it: Our faith leads us to a greater light. It is a personal journey and one person’s steps are by no means the same as another’s. For those who choose to walk in faith, it is like passing through a dark and rough landscape, with only an iron railing to hold to as we press forward to our hoped-for destination. There is no proof that the rod will take us to where we want to be, only an assurance from someone who says he knows it will work out. We don’t even know for sure if that person ever got to where he wanted to be by holding to that iron bar. We have the choice to hold on for our own sake or to let go to see what happens to those that choose to wander off in the pitch blackness that surrounds us. Some head into the darkness and emerge in a vast building, clothed in rich apparel, bedecked with the tokens of great wealth. They mock those who hold to the iron in the wilderness. At the same time, they do nothing to help anyone trying to join them. They also have nothing more than those riches. Those who hold to the iron railing retain their faithfulness, which will be so important to them in the tests that lie ahead.

The search for spiritual truth is not easy, but it is worth doing.