Dear Mr. Romney,
How are you? I am fine. I hear you need a vice president running mate for this election. Lots of Republicans are saying they do not want to be your running mate. Some are refusing, flat-out, and others are trying to get someone else to be your running mate. It’s like nobody can man up and take one for the team in the GOP.
Usually, when there’s a job nobody else wants to do, but has to be done, I volunteer to do it. Mr. Romney, why don’t you accept my request to be your running mate in the 2012 election? Face it, if you’re going to win or lose, it won’t be because of who your running mate is. Unless it’s Sarah Palin. She was scary.
As your running mate, here’s what I promise to do:
1. Dress up nice, but not in clothes purchased with campaign funds.
2. Smile and wave a lot by your side.
3. React with surprised, yet folksy laughter at every awkward question, followed by a smile and a “what do you think?”
4. Get Joe Biden’s name right in the VP debate.
5. Not get involved in any scandals.
6. Be a source of clean, comic relief on long bus tours.
That way, win or lose, I’ll be a class act, which is the best a VP can do. Nobody will accuse me of having my hand going up your back and using you as a puppet, neither will I cause concerns over my hiring of illegal aliens. I’ve only hired one guy to do yard work, and he’s about as American as they get. Drives down to his hometown every weekend to support his high school’s football, basketball, and baseball teams. He’s my “Joe the Plumber.” He’s “Jim the Yard Guy.” Just don’t put him on camera after he’s been stiffed by one of his other clients, or he may say some things that we would classify as “spiteful” and “political Kryptonite.”
Seriously, though, Mr. Romney, you’re not going to win based upon anything other than the US economy and whether or not there’s a war with Iran. If the economy gets better or Obama attacks Iran in mid-October to take advantage of the new moon just prior to the election, you’re toast. If the economy gets worse, you’re in like Flynn. With gas prices going down right now, things don’t look good for you.
That’s why you need me. The GOP leadership senses that 2012 may not be their year, after all, and anyone that runs on a failed presidential ticket will see his or her political career circle the drain and then go down. Since I have no political career, I can step in and lend a hand. I can be a Jack Kemp to your Bob Dole, a Bob Dole to your Gerald Ford, an Earl Warren to your Thomas E. Dewey.
Actually, being the Earl Warren of this generation wouldn’t be so bad: his VP bid flopped, but he went on to be on the Supreme Court. I could get used to a gig like that. So, yes, Mr. Romney, my hat is in the ring. Give me a call, and I’ll be the best running mate you could possibly have.
UPDATE: At the urging of my friends, I have sent this request on to Mr. Romney’s campaign: here is a screen shot of my offer to volunteer for his campaign:
Click on the image for full size…