Dear Mr. Santorum,

How are you? I am fine. I see you lost the Michigan primary by a few percentage points. You seem to think that’s kind of a win. It’s not, really. A lot of Democrats showed up to vote for you. I think that’s mean. It’s like you were some kind of socially awkward person that became the target of a joke homecoming queen campaign. There are some people that voted for you because they like you, but also a lot of people that voted for you because they see you as an embarrassing joke in the GOP.

How they singled you out, I don’t know, since the whole primary has been one long embarrassing joke for the GOP. A lot of the other more embarrassing jokes have already left the race, so it’s not like you’re even the coolest embarrassment to the GOP. And if you really had something original to say, you’d be a victim of a media blackout like Ron Paul.

Don’t worry, Rick. Not enough people like any of the other candidates for them to win the nomination. Even Romney’s biggest backer hates him. Why do you think the Romney SuperPAC didn’t spend a nickel on mass media ads in Colorado? They wanted you to stay in the race as a spoiler so the convention would have to settle for a compromise candidate that didn’t get bruised up in the primary battles.

I don’t know how you plan to regain your dignity, Rick, but you’ve clearly lost it. Look at me, I’m not even calling you “Mr. Santorum.” You’ve fallen that low. You could pull a Jimmy Carter and do some charitable work, but then I think they’d kick you out of the GOP for something as hippie as that. Besides, since you only donated $4000 last year on a $900,000 income, I don’t think your system could take the shock of doing real charity. By the way, Rick, I earn about $50,000, and I donated north of $5000 last year. I know it’s only a grand more than you, but when you run the percentages, you can see how far short you’ve fallen of that mark.

I know you love Jesus, and I think that’s great. Jesus taught us all to be more charitable, so maybe you could make a start by donating 0.9% of your income and work your way up to 10% over the years. I would be happy for you. It’s not how long the change takes, it’s the fact that the change is happening that’s important. If you could help teach the so-called Christian Conservatives to also be more like Jesus, that would be great! Then, as a nation, we would be more compassionate, tolerant, charitable, and generally decent.

Why, just think of how much better the world would be if the major backers of the GOP weren’t making their money off of cheating Native Americans on their oil leases or from starving African children over unfair debt arrangements! It would be awesome if you could get those guys to be more like Jesus!

But I digress. Right now, Rick, you’re not really winning anything. People are laughing at you, not with you, and I think that is sad. Give me a call if you need someone to talk to, OK, bro?

Keep smiling,

Dean Webb