Monthly Archives: June 2012

On the Unanticipated Consequences of My Friendship with Nate

Nate handed me a pistol. “Shoot anyone that walks through that door. Even if it’s a guy that looks just like me, because it won’t be me. Got that? Anyone!”

I nodded. I didn’t want anyone to walk through that door, but things were very, very real right now, and I didn’t want to argue. Nate left the room by a side door, shotgun in hand.

I heard the intruders approaching. I heard them fumble with the lock on the door. I kept the pistol pointed at the doorknob. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t shoot guns. But these guys were going to force me to change my habit if they succeeded in opening the door.

The lock clicked. These guys were coming in. I took a deep breath and held it.

The door opened, and I saw a man step into the room. Continue reading

The Bohemian Won’t Get a Three

With excessive apologies to Queen and, especially, Freddie Mercury…

The Bohemian Won’t Get a Three

Is this the real test, is this just fantasy
Caught by a proctor, no escape from reality
Open my test, when guessing, just go with C
I’m just a poor boy, don’t got no study guide
Because I’m easy come, easy go, get a five, get a fo’
Anyway the test goes, hope I can score at least… a three…

Mama, just took the test, put a pencil on my sheet
Bubbled “C” in nice and neat, mama
Thought this would be fun, but now I think I should have gone with “A!”
Mama, ooo, didn’t mean to make you cry
I think I’ll study for my test tomorrow
Study on, study on, or else it will not matter

Too late, the break is done
Time to start the FRQ, o whatever shall I do?
Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go
And I don’t think I can do that question 2
Mama ooo (anyway the test goes) I just want a five
I wish I’d read that textbook after all

I drew a little silhouetto of a man
That is cool, that is cool now I write, “THIS IS SPARTA!”
Thunderbolt and lightning decorating section B
I do not know, I do not know, I do not know, I do not know,
I do not know how this goes! I do not know!

But I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
(He’s just a poor boy with poor study habits)
(Can’t do the work, so he dazzles with his wits)
Even though I don’t know, how ’bout just a 4?
(Bismillah no we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Bismillah, we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Bismillah, we will not give you fo’!) just a 4?
(Will not give you fo’!) Just a 4? (never)
(Never give you fo’!) Just a 4, never get that fo’ ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia try a 3
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me – No THREE! – NO THREE!!!

So you think ’cause I got no clue you can’t give me a five?
‘Cause I’m lazy, never cracked a book I get no five?
Oh grader, can’t do this to me grader,
I’d love to get out, but I still got 20 minutes stuck in here…

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, Guess I should have studied, I won’t get that 3…
I guess I should have studied, guess I should have studied… for AP…
Anyway the test goes…