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The Periodic Polemic

Polemic for 19 February 2001

Solving Our Nation's Traffic Problems

Today is President's Day. I had a breeze of a drive into work. It was like I was driving in during the off hours, nothing in my way, everything sailing forward smoothly and swiftly. Even two lanes of my freeway being shut down with an accident didn't slow things up more than a minute or two. Sheer commuter heaven.

I realized after I got in to work today I always have a good ride in whenever there's a governmental holiday. There's such a huge chunk of traffic absent from the roads, everyone seems to be zipping along to their workplaces, like happy little worker bees.

Let's take this one step further: I recall hearing how traffic in Washington, D.C. is some of the worst in the nation. Who works in D.C.? Government employees, that's who. I saw the connection at that point. Always one to suggest ideas to improve the workplace (such as my suggestion for Hawaiian Shirt Monday), I made a logical leap and I now have the solution for America's traffic woes:

Get rid of the government. Wipe it out. All of it.

I don't advocate the violent overthrow of the government, not at all. Rather, I advocate everyone in the government do their patriotic duty and voluntarily quit their job. With the job market as it is, we have an excellent market, so they're sure to get another job real soon. With no more government, there'll be no more traffic problems, people will be more productive, and the nation will prosper like never before!

Of course, there are other benefits to a completely anarchic state of affairs. Consider the USA with no subsidy-bloated Dept. of Agriculture, no heavy-handed BATF, or no Internal Revenue Service. Wow. Sheer heaven.

OK, some folks might chafe at not having certain aspects of the "nanny state" on hand, but consider how the benefits outweigh the losses. With 0% taxes, we'll have tons of money to spend on user fees for public services, and there are plenty of meddlesome zillionaires in this country who would be free to buy up blocks of impoverished citizens for their social engineering experiments. The difference between those guys and the government is simple, but beautiful: no one would have to participate in said social engineering against his will. Wow. Neato. Cool, even.

What about self-defense, I hear you ask? Thanks to the 2nd Amendment, we got a right to bear arms, right? Well, there's your self-defense, right there. As soon as the government's dissolved, I'm buying up a stack of ICBMs and pointing them at international threats to my security interests. If you like where I'm pointing them, cut me a check to help support the missile silos, staff, razor wire fences, etc. that it takes to keep a serious nuclear deterrent a going concern so you can whiz on in to work every day as fast as the freeways will carry you.

To make sure we get rid of the government, I say we encourage two kinds of candidates. First, vote Libertarian. Those guys will do what they can to get rid of whatever government possible. They will get rid of their own posts, if at all possible. Awww yeeeeahh! Next, if you have no choice of Libertarian available, vote for the laziest slug you can find. Remember, a politician who doesn't show up to work is one less guy you gotta deal with on the freeway! Lastly, if someone is running unopposed and is a very hard-working, conscientious politician, you gotta take matters in your own hands and polish up some bum and be his campaign manager.

Why not run for office yourself? Simple. You don't want to put yourself out of a job, do you? Remember, we're getting rid of government, here, not building it up! You get voted into office, you got a dead-end job with no future! So wise up, run the campaigns, and get complete incompetents or Libertarians (Libertarians are better, remember) voted in and enjoy the improved commute.

Dean Webb

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