How to Handle People That Won't Stop Bugging You

LEAVE ME ALONE! You've had to say this at least once or twice before, but has there ever been a time when you said it and the person you addressed did not leave you alone? Or worse, the person started stalking you? What can you do in a situation like this?

We got Zzzptm Roving Correspondent Megan Lyle to show us her technique for getting rid of undesirables. She claims 100% success, and it's easy to see why. Here's her method, as documented on film by Zzzptm Roving Photographer (and Senior Minion of Great Cthulhu), Igbithnix'tchik'l.

We would like to issue a special thanks to Great Cthulhu for his cooperation and assistance in the production of this piece. It would not have been possible without him.

It starts off innocently enough... You post your name on a bulletin board somewhere, somebody strikes up an offline email conversation with you, and the guy eventually decides he wants to be more than just an e-friend. He's gotta be your e-boyfriend. The first mail, though is often an entertaining little blunder that brings a laugh to your lips and a mocking sort of pity to your heart. You let the guy down easy, letting him know you're not really interested and hope he gets the hint and either moves on or calms down. But this guy doesn't go away so easily...

Aw, jeez, not another email... This guy didn't take the hint. He didn't take the direct statement. He didn't even take, and we quote Ms. Lyle's actual email here, "No. I do not want to date you. Please do not show up randomly at my doorstep ever again. Do not serenade me. Do not offer to rub my shoulders and/or any other part of my body. Do not call me at all hours of the night and claim that you 'just wanted to say hello'. Do not read me poetry. Do not come near me. Stop following me around like the psycho you truly are. Please keep in mind the rules and regulations outlined in the restraining order I obtained against you. Your attempts to win me over must come to an immediate halt. Thank you." What's a poor girl to do when she's at the end of her patience? This guy is intent upon winning her over, whether she likes it or not. He is prepared for a war of attrition, and that's something Megan does not have the desire to get into. How do you deal with this unstoppable force of his senseless love, born out of idiotic and mindless fantasy?

Who ya gonna call? You get on the horn to Great Cthulhu, that's who. When you absolutely, positively have to get rid of someone, you turn to Cthulhu Jones for his Ultimate Solution, and that's who Megan's dialing up right now. How do you get CJ's phone number? You have to get on his good side, of course. How do you get on his good side? Get on his mailing list. "Things have been going so well for me since I joined the 'Late Afternoon with Dean Webb' list and didn't turn down Great Cthulhu's advances," says Megan. "He's definitely a gentleman, and really knows how to treat a lady right. He's not an exclusive dater, which works out great for me. If I don't get possessive with him, he doesn't possess me."

"CJ, I need your help..." Great Cthulhu Jones always has time to help out a damsel in distress, dat dress, or any dress, for that matter. Here we see Megan in earnest discussion with CJ, pouring out her heart to him. "Cthulhu is such a good listener. I may not understand much about him, but he understands just about everything about me. It's great to have a planet-crushing deity like him I can confide in." Although Megan raves about Big CJ, she does have a caution for those of you out there that have never called him: "Watch the earpiece on the phone when you call Cthulhu. There's something up with the R'lyehian phone system, and he's able to sort of transit across it and ooze out the phone on your end. It's just ectoplasm, no biggie, but it can surprise you and feel weird the first few times. Just keep in mind it's his way of giving you his undivided attention."

It's going to be all better... One of the most reassuring things one can hear from an otherworldly, alien, rumbling sub-bass voice that embodies pure over-arching evil is that it's going to get rid of that pest for you and make it so not only he never bothers you again, but never bothers you in the first place. "It's a great relief," says Megan, "and I know CJ always carries through on his promises." Of course, it's not all as easy as just calling CJ... the catch this time is having to perform the proper ritual. Megan uses a modern translation of Al-Azif for her rituals. "You just can't trust an ancient translation of al-Hazred's work, as they are potentially so full of errors, you could wind up blasting yourself to Yuggoth and back, and not in one piece, either." Megan prefers the latest Miskatonic University Unabriged Al-Azif, as it has the original Arabic in one column and Greek and English translations running in parallel. It's footnoted, cross-indexed, and contains some excellent explanatory essays. "Once you use the M.U. version, you'll junk your Dee's version of The Necronomicon and never look back." Here we see Megan on the phone again with CJ, having performed the Ritual of Seven Condemnations. You can tell she's done it right by Cthulhu's congratulatory ectoplasmic hug and you can tell Cthulhu has just told her he'll now do his part by the gleam in Megan's eyes.

Good news! CJ just sent an email letting Megan know the deed is done. He's sent a little bit of himself as an attachment as a personal touch. He's also asking Megan out for a date, which suggestion Megan gives an eagerly sorcerous "thumbs up!" By the time the date is over, the only evidence this punk ever bothered Megan will be in this article and these pictures. We had to isolate them from the timestream as Cthulhu and his minions edited it to delete all references to the guy. How they actually do that is a trade secret of R'lyeh Consulting, and cannot be revealed at this time and place, as most of you reading this are not properly initiated in the appropriate Secrets Man Was Not Meant To Know. Suffice to say, Megan knows enough to know a good time when she sees one, and is ready to get gussied up for her night out on the universe as the bothersome person is annihilated from all time-space.

It's all good... Once Megan gets back from her date with Cthulhu, he places her back in space-time to a point where she can re-enjoy her life and enjoy for the first time moments untainted by the moron who wouldn't stop bugging her. When we showed this series to Megan, at first she didn't believe us. She had no memory of the pest, and said the photos must have been clever forgeries. But when CJ sent her the faintest of reminders, she realized Something Had Happened, and that It Was Now All Good. True, she now never had the ha-has as she shot the pest down the first time, but she also never had the chronic dread every time she saw an email from the loser. We took this picture at the same time the first one was taken, and you can see just how content she is, as she is not only un-bothered, but a good friend of Great Cthulhu Jones. If you're being bothered by some jerk and want to join her, sign on to the Late Afternoon with Dean Webb list and ask Cthulhu for more details. He's always happy to help a lady find greater joy in any life she might currently be existing in.