Guy calls… Caller ID shows “Unknown Number”… I’m game. I answer.<\/p>\n
“Hello.” Already I can detect the Bihari accent. This guy’s from India. “My name is John Peterson.” Lie. “I am from the technical support department for the Windows operating system.” Big lie. “Am I speaking with Mr. Webb?” Oh-ho! He’s got a directory!<\/p>\n
“Yes,” I reply.<\/p>\n
“We have been receiving notifications of many problems from your computer as you attempt to access web sites. We are calling to resolve those issues with you.” Oh really? I did not know that. How wonderful for him to have called me! “Are you at your Windows operating system computer?”<\/p>\n
“Yes.” This promises great fun and sport, I can sense that already.<\/p>\n
“What version of Windows Operating System do you have?”<\/p>\n
“I have one computer with XP, one with Vista, and one with Windows 7.”<\/p>\n
“Are you at your computer?”<\/p>\n
“Yes.”<\/p>\n
“Do you see, in the lower left corner, a button that says ‘Start’?” I guess that’s how he can make sure I don’t have Windows 8.<\/p>\n
“Yes.”<\/p>\n
“Please apply the left-click on that button.”<\/p>\n
“OK.” And, yes, I did apply the left-click to the start button. <\/p>\n
“Do you see a list of options?”<\/p>\n
“Yes.”<\/p>\n
He then proceeds to read off a list of options that I don’t have because I’ve configured my start menu to be like classic Windows. I know what he’s reading to me is for the default config on Windows 7. I don’t have that here. I tell him that I don’t see those options.<\/p>\n
“Do you see a list of programs?”<\/p>\n
I click on “Programs” and, yes, I do see a list. Three columns wide. No way am I reading all those off, even if I was a chump. “Yes, a long list of programs. Lots of them.”<\/p>\n
“Do you see an option for ‘My Documents’ or ‘Computer’?”<\/p>\n
Lucky me, I don’t. “No, I don’t have options for those.”<\/p>\n
“Are you sure?”<\/p>\n
“I am sure. Those options are not there.”<\/p>\n
“Well, let us try a more direct method or way. Look at your keyboard. What button do you see in the lower left corner?”<\/p>\n
“CTRL.”<\/p>\n
“And what button is next to that? FN?”<\/p>\n
“No, it’s ALT.”<\/p>\n
“And what button is next to that?”<\/p>\n
“The spacebar.”<\/p>\n
“Don’t you have a key with a Windows logo on it?”<\/p>\n
“No.” OK, so that’s a bit of a lie, but I prefer using keyboards without a Windows key, so since he’s lied to me, I get to play make-believe with him.<\/p>\n
“There is no keyboard that does not have a Windows key!”<\/p>\n
“Mine doesn’t have a Windows key.”<\/p>\n
“You have to have a Windows key! Every keyboard made for the Windows operating system has a Windows key!”<\/p>\n
“I’m telling you, I don’t have a Windows key. I’ve been using Windows since 1993, and the keyboards back then did not have a Windows key. My keyboard right now does not have a Windows key.”<\/p>\n
“You have to have a Windows key! I am smarter than you!”<\/p>\n
“Really?”<\/p>\n
“Is your mother there?”<\/p>\n
What does he need my mother for? “No, my mother is not here.”<\/p>\n
“Are you at you at your mother’s computer?”<\/p>\n
“No, this is my computer. My mother does not live here. I live here. This is my computer.”<\/p>\n
“This is your computer?”<\/p>\n
“Yes, this is my computer.”<\/p>\n
“Well, I am calling from the Technical Support Department. Now you must listen to me!”<\/p>\n
“The Technical Support Department from which company?”<\/p>\n
“I have told you.”<\/p>\n
“No, you just said you’re with the Technical Support Department. You didn’t say which company you’re with.”<\/p>\n
“I’m with the Windows Operating System.”<\/p>\n
“The Windows Operating System isn’t a company. Microsoft is a company. Hewlett-Packard is a company. IBM is a company. What company are you with?”<\/p>\n
“I’m with The Geek Squad.”<\/p>\n
“Hmm… I don’t have a Geek Squad account. Is this free support?”<\/p>\n
“No.”<\/p>\n
“So this is pay support? How much will it cost?”<\/p>\n
“No, it won’t cost you.”<\/p>\n
“Wait, so you’re giving me free support and not free support?”<\/p>\n
“Stop confusing yourself! Listen to me! Minor problems we fix for free: major problems, big bucks!”<\/p>\n
“So what is a major problem?”<\/p>\n
“We will find out! Do you have an icon that says ‘My Computer.’?” Nice redirect, Mr. Non-Peterson. I’ll play along.<\/p>\n
“Yes.” Looks like the blind squirrel found a nut.<\/p>\n
“Please to right-click that icon and read to me the options.”<\/p>\n
I right-click it and read the list, as I see it: “Open, Explore, Search, Map Network Drive, Disconnect Net-”<\/p>\n
“Please click the option that says ‘Manage’.” Rude! He interrupted me!<\/p>\n
Just as well. I didn’t have a ‘Manage’ option. I told him that.<\/p>\n
“You have no ‘Manage’ option?”<\/p>\n
“No.”<\/p>\n
“Is this a special computer that your employer has especially built for you?”<\/p>\n
“No.”<\/p>\n
“And somehow, you have the *only* Windows Operating System in the world that does not have a Windows key, a Computer option or a Manage option?”<\/p>\n
“It’s not the only one that doesn’t fit that description, you see-”<\/p>\n
“Why don’t you go use your mother’s computer, you [obscene gerund followed by an obscene noun]!” And then, before I could reply, he hung up.<\/p>\n
Pity. I was wanting him to ask me to click on something so I could rattle off one of the many Blue Screen of Death messages that I’ve memorized. <\/p>\n
Oh well, now I have to let my mom know that a very angry Indian chap has ordered me to use her computer. Right before Mother’s Day, too. How thoughtful of the guy!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Guy calls… Caller ID shows “Unknown Number”… I’m game. I answer. “Hello.” Already I can detect the Bihari accent. This guy’s from India. “My name is John Peterson.” Lie. “I am from the technical support department for the Windows operating system.” Big lie. “Am I speaking with Mr. Webb?” Oh-ho! He’s got a directory! “Yes,” […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1574","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general-stuff"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1574"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1576,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574\/revisions\/1576"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1574"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1574"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zzzptm.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1574"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}